Attention Straight Boys

Attention Straight Boys (#2 Collared Shirt/Sweater Combinations) 

 Sweaters and button-down collared shirts are nice, moderately classy articles of clothing that add a touch of sophistication to most outfits without looking overly formal. Straight men are encouraged to consider wearing one (but not both!) of these items when they go out, as doing so tends to make most social situations seem a little less like frat parties (contrary to what you believe, this is a good thing). The ladies will appreciate it too, as wearing one of these items is a great way to fancy up an otherwise casual outfit by showing that you put a little thought into your appearance. However, wearing both items together sends out clear signals that you want another man to take you home, rip off your cute little ensemble, and make passionate love to you.

There are several alternatives available for the straight man who finds himself needing an extra layer over his collared shirt. The most obvious is to just throw on one of those ratty, oversized hooded sweatshirts that seem to comprise over 50% of your wardrobe. You can also wear a poncho or a sufficiently creepy trenchcoat. Additionally, you could always just freeze to death. You will most likely find all of these options preferable to looking gay.

Worry not, heterosexual sweater enthusiasts, for there are several instances in which you are allowed to wear both collared shirts and sweaters. The first is if you are British. British men are always allowed to dress somewhat classier than their American counterparts without looking gay. However, if you were raised in the United States, DO NOT ATTEMPT to fake an English accent just so you can get away with wearing this outfit. Doing so will just make you seem even fruitier, further confusing everyone's gaydar and effectively ruining the evening.

The other time you are allowed to wear sweaters with collared shirts is at Ugly Sweater Parties. I have never been to one of these before, but you straight people can't seem to get enough of them. We gays do not typically buy ugly sweaters unless it is for a quick, ironic laugh during our weekly visit to the local vintage clothing store (we are required to return to this store on a regular basis, just like vampires must return to their coffins). Even under these circumstances, we still manage to look fabulous and avant-garde and would therefore ruin the vibe at your Ugly Sweater Parties. So please don't feel insulted if we turn down invitations to any such events. There is no need to pity us either, for we will most likely be attending an orgy instead.